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Page 6                        FLORIDA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS      

                                                       DRUG TESTING - FACT OR FICTION?              

...If I can judge almost 20 years as a Correctional Probation Officer for the Florida Department of Corrections by the 1856 INDEX CARDS in my possession  then the long or short of the story may be based on how many PENISES this JOB required me to observe.  In my years I have met very few officers who have considered penis watching or DRUG TESTING (www.drug testing.com) to be a CAREER. Drug testing is one of the more time consuming DUTIES of an officer and the agency treats this with complete indifference. There must have been at least 10,000, 20,000 or more tests.  ‘It’s TRU, It’s TRU, It’s TRU!’  (Blazing Saddles)  Most offenders positive or not do not pee on demand and during reporting week there is the issue of cooperating with fellow officers getting their offenders tested.  The officer hopes that the other officer will return the favor.    In case you don’t know it males do not test females and female officers call upon fellow male officers to assist with their testing and there are more MALE OFFENDERS  than female.  Now if offenders don’t go on demand what does an officer do for the 3 to 10 minutes behind closed doors in the testing area.? You know sometimes we come back 2 or 3 times for the same offender prompting  the following equation  (3 X 10 min.= 30 min. = bullshit x 2 officers = 60 min. = more bullshit)!  Pure wasted time when the offender is on Probation for D.W.L.S or Revoked and 70 years old.
Keep in mind the Department doesn’t always provide a private secure area for producing a sample.  I have lead offenders from the public restrooms in the basement of a courthouse through the hallways to the office while they carried their sample.  Fighting with parents to get their kids out of the 1 bathroom in the lobby and then once in there constantly being bombarded by knocks and pleas to hurry up while the officer BEGS the offender for a sample.  Do you know that one office I worked in the drug testing room was carpeted.  Years of drip, drip, drip had built up.  DC made the landlord tile only after I brought it to their attention.    Then there are the 100's of offenders with every disease known to humanity that you come in contact with.  Well, at least tuberculosis, AIDS or one of the S.T.D illnesses, swine flu or the common cold and you are confined with the offender in the restroom where the ceiling fan hasn't worked in 10 years.  SURE, according to the Department using standard precautions should keep you healthy, happy and wise.  Notice I left out wealthy.  
First thing you  try is turning on the water in the sink to lull the offender into compliance.  It is estimated that BP spilled 200,000,000 gallons of oil into the Gulf but I can assure you over 19 years I have run through the faucet an equal amount of water.  (www.where did all the water go.com)    But, then comes the offender grunts or the belying slapping, jumping up or down, talking to his little friend and promising it a night out if it would just produce a sample.  Still if your lucky you get the expelling of air through the posterior  (FART) that doesn’t smell like a dead fish.  You remind yourself it’s a JOB not a CAREER.  Sometimes the fart gives way to a sample.  Then there are the male offenders who simply without warning sits himself down and claims this is the only way HE can provide a sample.  This usually simply opens the door to a good old fashion dump.  According to DC POLICY the whole time the officer is standing over the offender ‘OBSERVING THE PENIS’.  Oh, there is so much more but when you ask the agency for help there is none.  DC tried oral test strips that were touted as being used by the FEDS.  If the FEDS used those test strips that were supplied  then their whole drug testing procedure is in question. They were useful but they cost the AGENCY pennies more.  (3 X 10 min.= 30 min. = bullshit x 2 officers = 60 min. = more bullshit).   When they ran out they were not replaced.
Every attempt to get Tallahassee to listen was fruitless.  I suspect in Tallahassee when you carry a key to the restroom, sitting is the appropriate position and you make DC POLICY AND PROCEDURE for the male officer you really do not give a crap.  QUESTION: Does every male and female officer watch the genital area of the offender during the test?  THE ANSWER IS A RESOUNDING, NO!  I am not qualified to discuss female offender testing but the issue came up that they often will scoot the cup in the toilet to dilute the sample.   So the suggestion was ‘99 cent blue cleaner’ added during reporting week and a mirror to deal with the males.  AGAIN, WE WERE HIT WITH A RESOUNDING NO!  If you want a CAREER with the Department you will watch that genitals and think of DROP and RETIREMENT.  Clearly I was not a MOVER OR SHAKER in the Department.  This translates to:  When DC tells you to move you MOVE.  When DC tells you to shake you SHAKE.  Thanks to EBAY I purchased a 18" to 24" concave mirror and installed it in the bathroom 3 OR 4 years ago so as the MALE offender makes moves to get his back to you the front of the offender is always on display.  O.M.G...Its TRU, Its TRU, Its TRU.  It is my hope that someday a law firm will start a class action suit against the Department linking balding to the years of being confined with offenders with bad body odor and farting their way through a drug test. (www.ex gov charlie bestest friend.com)

Even with everything above.  How do you spell a good day at the office? W I Z Z  I N A T O R!   MORE to come......
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